Note to the reader: I write in the context of discussing male violence against women because of my lived and professional experience, hence tending to use“he” in my articles. I approach conversations from a pacifist lens, incorporating spirituality and feminist theory.

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You’ve probably heard this phrase: “It’s easier to seek forgiveness than ask permission!”

It’s considered a lighthearted phrase, to “justify” taking action without checking the “rules”. But is there a deeper problem to it?

Some people, particularly with a sense of superiority or privilege, seem to think it’s simply their right to do what they want and they’ll be able to smooth it over – after all, an apology demands forgiveness, right? Wrong.

So let’s interrogate it.

There are many ways we accept and normalise wrongdoing, that potentially have a wider impact.

How many of us have said, for example, “that’s just how he is” or “hes always been that way”, in response to a disclosure of the harm he’s done? Whether it’s normalising a micro aggression or dismissing abuse, it gives him a free pass to continue.

A boundary violation is when a person oversteps the mark unintentionally, and can be easily repaired. A boundary invasion is when a person knew it was wrong and did it anyway. Either way a proper apology is required, though it’s harder to accept when someone wilfully did what they wanted, or didn’t care about the consequence.

What value does an apology have if it’s diluted by the person who knew it was probably wrong? Despite what some might think, we’re not obliged to forgive someone who wilfully behaved in a way that wasn’t ok. Especially if they show little remorse.

So let’s ask who is it “easier” for?

No doubt in the mind of someone who feels entitled to behave how they want, it’s easier for them to just take, or do something or say whatever we want in the belief that they can just say sorry and it “should” be accepted.

So let’s go deeper and ask “What does it say about society’s understanding of consent, if it believes an apology for wilful behaviour should be enough, regardless of the harm that’s been done or how it enables the harm doer to continue?”.These are questions worth asking.

If societal apathy for meaningful change creates the conditions and upholds the systems where a man (in this context) prioritises his “right” to get what he wants, we can see how the absence of learning and connection leads to men’s “loneliness”. In other words, it doesn’t just hurt women, but everyone else too. That doesn’t sound “easy” to me.

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